catching up on not catching up

Mysterious ways lead us to each other. However, that what tears our apart is always far more human, almost always not a coincidence and never a miracle.

One day you go out on the street, sit on your usual bench, look at your usual streetlamp, eat your usual sandwich and being not at all aware you are nearly destroyed and there's nothing to stop this beautiful sequence of events that will lead to your total devastation.
"Well that's life!", says my existentially-enthusiatic part, that likes to pretend I can feel no more than a wooden chair, and therefore anything happening to me should lead to great amount of fascination because well, some deadmen that I proclaimed to admire declared so.
But there is also just me, that can't cope at times, somehow always lost, making stupid mistakes, just a weak and human me that thinks "Maybe I shouldn't have been there that day.
Maybe this all just... shouldn't have happened."

Okay, of course not, I'm just whining, as usual. Can't live up to my own expectations, can't lower them, can't do better, quite annoying and not productive at all.

God, what this entry is about even? Sorry for what is happening to this page currently, really trying to sort it out. Almost got everything together, but Friday nights do evil magic on my "optimism" function. It is just simply not there... hehe
In the meanwhile (trying not to sound too gloomy) I've made another diary-type of thing, where I write in Japanese (so if you can read, you're welcome. I also post cute pictures that are too cute for this blog there, they don't require much linguistic efforts), here is the link -> http://neboke-nikki.blogspot.com/

There is a story how I touched a sparrow.
And how do I feel about Snufkin.
Deep stuff, as usual (you know me).

Anyway, I'll be back shortly after I fix my life, find a job, buy a dog, build a house and finally get own my potato field. Hope you are all well!!

Rest in peace all the victims of Odessa today. No matter on which side were you, this simply shouldn't have happened. You shouldn't have been killed.
To all the cities around the country going through this nightmare, please stay strong and please, stay human.

And I just found out about that new nuclear power plant building in my country. And I'm freaking out a bit. We just survived a plain crash, still head to toe bandaged like a god damn mummy, not even sure if we still have all the limbs attached but still insisting on taking a motorcycle ride straight to hell.

World, are you nuts?

Many of you already do know, but I'm really into making stuff recently. I've made that frame thing, a number of bookmarks, bracelets, weird accessories and currently working on a box for jewelery - will post the results and a longer story here right after I finish that one. Hope everyone's enjoying their day!

In the meantime, here's the latest bookmark design perfectly matching with my dress (front and back, didn't fold it because thinking of doing a digital copy first). But again, if you follow my twitter/instagram, it's not a surprise. Cheers!

glad we are here

I doubt that good poetry can be born out of big feelings. Big feelings are surprisingly shallow when it comes to anything not directly involved with the subject of desire (and there is always an subject of desire). Aren't you just happy when you are "really" happy? And isn't that just boring?
There's that difference as between 3:07am full of mysteries and sleepless 8 o'clock in the morning before another working day; or in drinking until you feel more than just yourself and drinking until you lose who you are at all.
Any food is so much better when it is serving its primary purpose - satisfying hunger, but in order to feel that pleasure you need to first of all come to that state of hunger, which is not that easy considering the amount of stress put on us by the abundance of unnecessary snack-shaped hunger prevention methods (simulations, haunting our right for pleasure we take in not dying (=eating), vulgarizing the very essence of it). Come on. Happiness is the same, it's a big race you feel like you need to win, but small superficial simulations just spoil the real pleasure that is hidden in the very impossibility of the victory.

Don't worry, be happy - kind-of-crap, another useless thing to write on a T-shirt to sell another fairly-well-off-nicely-aged-suicidal-urban-dweller before he hangs himself up in the toilet of a parking lot. Nah, mon cher ami, worry and rejoice, you are living in this world - not in a cereal commercial.

But anyway, I'd rather be happy and do bad poetry, but what I am doing right now is being strangely unhappy and doing no poetry at all. I guess this is how most of us choose to live, such a waste of oxygen.

Niagara triangle

 

Well, this is me.

Paris, tigers and tails

 

Although only the lazy doesn't bloom these days, birds are screaming every morning like it's the last one,

it still feels like a long, long winter. So many things happened and so many things are not going to happen, it's a bit overwhelming, but that's alright.

As some of you my friends may know, I've been to France recently. You see how far can I go to run away from obligations? Apparently, until about Paris. Not bad, huh?

Saw some incredibly great places and took a lot of cute pictures there.

 There is not much I can say about Paris, apart from "shiiiit maaan whaat" and "holy crap", but that's neither appropriate nor informative, so I'll just pass. I'm usually not the one freaking out about architecture (plants and underground are more of my thing), but I guess some places just don't consult with anything before dominating your mind as you encounter them.

Ah, the good times. I love trees so much, and now they are killing me. How is that even fair? 

No one said life would be though.

Gentle people! Let's go out with flowers in our hair for a reasonably-priced drink, anyone up to such a deal? No? You can come without any flowers then, whatever. (where's your spirit?)

Here, a song.

And a picture from me. 

I posted the second background layer a while back - it's a collage I made with the help of inherited from my brilliant grandfather postcards from 80s, zodiac-themed jewel of soviet union design (never disappointing if your goal is to be creepy)

Turned quite infernal when in b/w!

 

I can do more of these though, if you think it looks good? Not sure, because I'm just kind of blinded with all these feelings towards all these horses and tigers. Damn, I'm really into this stuff.

Presenting you this babe and vanishing.

Lots of love to you all!
Stay healthy and kind.

just some words

Alright, it's been quite a while mainly because I was waiting for some good news to come around. Now I'm writing not because they did, just because I stopped waiting, whatever. Mint tea on Saturday night is good enough at this point.

Now what I intended to say from about a month ago. Briefly, not getting into the matter itself.
It's about Ukraine, but mostly it's about people. Affected, concerned; not affected, yet concerned; not concerned at all - so many different reactions and opinions going around online and offline, in all media possible, between millions of us living in different places.

I have never been in the middle of such conflict. Not like I am in the middle right now, but it's more straightforward than ever. In my lifetime, there was no such point. War has been going on and still does, but somehow always on such distance some superficial feeling of peace still prevailing  over my very own tiny piece of this world has always accompanied me.
I know that feeling was not legitimate at any point in this world, but we all need that in order to keep on with our own small tragedies and victories still to have some meaning, just to live, or to try to live.

And now, for the first time in my life, still from a great distance, being in another country, having clearly very remote relation to this all, completely safe and in completely insignificant position, I got to feel the smell of war. And guess what - I don't think I could actually make it mentally if this shit got real. If I was really in the center of it. Too much is too much, and too much for me is so little in fact.

But even someone not so relevant as myself, even around here in my family, in my friends and acquaintances, there's a big change that could be brought by nothing but that war state of mind.

Here, people don't do war. Here, people just talk about it. However, I noticed it to be not just your regular chat about politics, not any other argument you would have on a serious matter. In fact, in so many cases the conversations and their consequences do not resemble arguments at all. It's a battlefield. In some cases, it does get physical; then in some cases, it turns out lethal for a weaker side. There have been already several reports on people being beaten to death in the heat of argument about the events. There, where it happened, there was no war outside the window. It's in the minds of the people, and this is truly a horrifying picture.

In my surrounding, there are no such extreme cases. But there are people who exclude each other from circles of friends because of that. There are people who exclude others from the family member list for having opposite views on the situation. It did happen to me, it did happen to my mother, to my family, who split into two parts, each side not willing to face the other side ever again.

I learned to think twice before asking my friends about their opinion. I am not scared of their brutal reaction or anything like that - I am scared of my own war mentality at this moment, I am scared of my whole essence rejecting them if they happen to be on the opposite side, and my conscience will be able to do nothing with it. Because that's how it works now - you're either with us, or against us. And it shouldn't be like this.

When you talk about war, you are talking sides. You cannot avoid talking sides. And when your opponent appears to be with those your friends calling their enemies, those with whom people close to you are ready to fight at any cost, how do you stay impartial? How do you not imagine your argument to be the battlefield, and your opponent your very own enemy? A threat that you should eliminate before it eliminates you.

Because we feel in danger even when we just talk. Because we are living in fear our whole lives. And so easily, your brother turns into your target, and you shoot what you can shoot.

Our casual relationships are not meant for such harsh test. And fear just changes everything. Let us not make it even worse than it is. Do not get into war even just verbally. Don't drag any other person into it. That's one piece of advice I've learned the hard way.

I don't know and I do not even want to know on which side my friends are.
In peace, there is no need to take sides. And I don't know what to wish anymore. Apart from not a single person to get hurt anymore - something that proves itself impossible this very second in some place I've never heard of. Or in the city where I grew up. Or in the city I will never know about. Such a folly, but there is nothing I wish more than this folly right now.

Please stay safe,
stay strong and let us not lose faith in peace.
Let me know if there is anything I could ever help out with.
Let's take good care about each other. Because we really can do it, and we really need each other.
n