need to get out more

I made this collage out of the elections paper they so kindly provided me with today. 

I think it looks nice but I am not sure what the peeps are going to think about it...

1st of july

Hopefully soon I will be able to upload this on----wait for it----my own site!!!

Guess what, this exact girl that keeps dissociating her own face let alone her blogs & can't even gather her limbs to keep up with her promises to herself, I will have a site!

Which is probably going to be just another whiny blog like this one, but. But.

Thankfully there's a very talented person that for some obscure reason believes in me and tries to push me to be out there and move forward, especially creativity-wise... 

And damn! It feels so nice to write once you start out.

Anyway, I can't link much so far, but this summer I plan to be focused on that, so I can share what we are up to with everybody as soon as possible. I'm so excited. Not that it is some amazing public project or anything, just another private space on the internet, pretty  much like this one, only it should be easier for me to post the things that I make there.

I don't know. Here's what I made yesterday!

Meanwhile, this is my fourth month in Tokyo this year. And in August I will be visiting my childhood home, which I am choosing not to be thinking about at the moment. Gives me nothing but mild-scale panic attacks.

It will be fine. Must be fine!!!

So I don't forget

Today I drew a lady in a swimsuit.

I feel like I've picked wrong colours for this trip.
But I will still blame everything on the cold.

To be honest I have actually gotten used to the cold. Quite literally. Maybe because all I had to do is remember this feeling, and just accept it once again. My mother seems a bit frustrated each time we are in this frosty situation, but I can't see how she can have the mental energy to.
On the other hand isn't it bizarre how worn out I am...

Not so deep in my heart I am dreaming only about a beautiful grand beehive on my head!
It shall be blond, with a fringe, sides, cut and curled!
So everyone who looks at me just sees this huge, fabulous mash of hair!
And nothing but that! What a life would it be!
What a life

Legendary

Have fun with pests

 

Maybe I am just your good old stink bug - if you put me under the plastic cup one on one with myself, I am pretty sure I'll will lose my shit and probably intoxicate myself to death with my own defense mechanisms.
My body is that plastic cup though. That's how lately I've been feeling.

And yes, to make that picture above, I cut into a Virgin Mary holding a baby Jeezie postcard to put a stink bug in her hands to hold it.
And yes, looking at this beautiful creation of mine now I am sort of jealous of this god damn bug.

Anyway, time for the cute communist propaganda aesthetic of the week award! (yes see I can be consistent with my interests)

"There's no God!" (Gagarin_trollface.jpg)

Have a beautiful Monday night.

tuesday tuesday

 

I felt like putting up this re-worked oldie in crazy saturation (had to work that phone pic quality...). Hope you like this feel.

These days have been crazy for us all... Wishing all my darling friends to stay safe and happy.

just a quick check-in for sanity

Today again I found out myself in the middle of 10 minutes speech, having stopped with the chores I was doing at that moment, just sitting down and very elaborately and intensely explaining myself some completely pointless crap. This kind of behaviour hasn't been around for a while (maybe a year?), but now again I keep finding myself blank for quite long periods of time (for being blank standing in the middle of the room), just talking complete nonsense to myself, making up stuff and generally just I guess pretending someone is listening? 
It's a creepy sensation, to finally realise that no one's been responding this whole time but still you feel like you just closed the door on someone when you stopped this bullshit. What is my brain doing?!

Alright, what saddens me the most is that I noticed I am showing such public speaking skills I can't even dream of in the event of actual presentations. What the hell...

happily ever afterlife

So I wanted to go to the cemetery for the All Souls' Day (night rather), having those recollections of fascination from my first visit when I just moved to Ljubljana, major fascination being namely the sight of fried sausages and hot wine stalls right by the cemetery gates, and of course a sea of pretty red candles all gathered in big flaming spots on the ground, like lava... Stuff like that.
But apparently my inner calendar - and let's admit that, wikipedia also was convincing me it is today, while the world says it was yesterday?
Another revelation is that you cannot stay there later than 19:00, which is another big surprise for me. It's like curfew for the dead, isn't it? Forever treated like a primary schooler, this is truly a nightmare of mine.
Still most probably will go there tonight, although my heart will be heavy about missing the sausages and having to leave before the spooky times roll around... 

Trying to figure out this whole situation made me spend quite some time on the cemetery's website, which is surprisingly (or not?) way more high-tech than the most governmental/municipal/educational institutions' web pages, with "get it on google play" buttons nonchalantly hanging about, a charming reminder of the mundanity of the inevitable. Well I should admit that the cemetery I've got my eye on is of some architectural value and it is this, not the burial side that is being addressed with the google play application (what? no app store?), still it left me quite amused.

Amused by the cemetery homepage, right.
This is roughly how every Monday in my life goes.

Indeed now while we are at it I noticed I have quite a lot of graveyard-related things up in my mind ready to be shared, but something tells me maybe I shouldn't waste them on these silly blog posts but put them to a better use.

Anyway. Cute communist propaganda aesthetic of the week, here you go:

"bound for Mars" matchbox

 

you can skip this one

Well hello there, it's god damn 2015 and I am feeling just great.

No, haven't yet bought my own potato field, but still working on that.
Walking that potato path with baby steps. Potato baby steps.
 
Need to tell you, brothers and sisters - just some 15 minutes ago I was multitasking as we all do, namely washing dishes and reflecting on my presence in this world, well, the usual. I don't know how exactly does that work, but this flowing warm water is really stimulating some of the best existential moments is it not? So I literally get to make major life decisions AND get some dirty dishes done all for one price. Just some handcream afterwards and you're good to go, well reflected on your past wrong and rightdoings, plus smelling like silky peonies! Isn't it just the best deal ever?
(Jeeezie, I missed being relatable!)

Definitely need to wash them on a more regular basis.
But alas, such an irregular girl as I am, just as I was abandoning the lovely bunch of existential dishes, I have also been abandoning this lovely piece of internet.
I really loved this blog, and I still do, the only one of many - probably should be a dozen by this year. I create a new one once I feel the person who started the previous one is gone, and it happened multiple times, over and over again. I can't connect with the language, with the thoughts, emotions, concerns, interests, basically really feeling like a stranger.

But the me that built this blog is the only one I feel I want to reconnect with.

And I feel so god damn good about this. 
Once in many years I feel like a properly consistent personality. There's been no proof of me not being abducted by aliens about 2 times in a year and replaced with a new version who hasn't got any clue what's going on this little planet. That is approximately how detached I am usually feeling. Like, 13 years old emo kid in a suburban Junior High kind of detached. Yup, when I was a young boy. (We all were that man in a robe with a circle black eyeshadow.)

But now it all seems to be gradually coming together, and I finally feel like I am forming something whole. And I smell of peonies, and haven't been abducted by aliens since at least 2013.

Well I know it's some pretty useless information for any of you my dearest friends to read through, so I won't be announcing the glorious comeback, but I still really really wanted to leave a note primarily for myself on how great being a person can be. Being the same lame and confused, but way above that evolving and consistent human.

I didn't expect this evening to end in such a lovely way.
Looking forward to keep sending such letters to my future self, because I am finally starting to feel confidence in her being around for me for a while. 

Love all of you my friends dearly.

catching up on not catching up

Mysterious ways lead us to each other. However, that what tears our apart is always far more human, almost always not a coincidence and never a miracle.

One day you go out on the street, sit on your usual bench, look at your usual streetlamp, eat your usual sandwich and being not at all aware you are nearly destroyed and there's nothing to stop this beautiful sequence of events that will lead to your total devastation.
"Well that's life!", says my existentially-enthusiatic part, that likes to pretend I can feel no more than a wooden chair, and therefore anything happening to me should lead to great amount of fascination because well, some deadmen that I proclaimed to admire declared so.
But there is also just me, that can't cope at times, somehow always lost, making stupid mistakes, just a weak and human me that thinks "Maybe I shouldn't have been there that day.
Maybe this all just... shouldn't have happened."

Okay, of course not, I'm just whining, as usual. Can't live up to my own expectations, can't lower them, can't do better, quite annoying and not productive at all.

God, what this entry is about even? Sorry for what is happening to this page currently, really trying to sort it out. Almost got everything together, but Friday nights do evil magic on my "optimism" function. It is just simply not there... hehe
In the meanwhile (trying not to sound too gloomy) I've made another diary-type of thing, where I write in Japanese (so if you can read, you're welcome. I also post cute pictures that are too cute for this blog there, they don't require much linguistic efforts), here is the link -> http://neboke-nikki.blogspot.com/

There is a story how I touched a sparrow.
And how do I feel about Snufkin.
Deep stuff, as usual (you know me).

Anyway, I'll be back shortly after I fix my life, find a job, buy a dog, build a house and finally get own my potato field. Hope you are all well!!

Rest in peace all the victims of Odessa today. No matter on which side were you, this simply shouldn't have happened. You shouldn't have been killed.
To all the cities around the country going through this nightmare, please stay strong and please, stay human.

And I just found out about that new nuclear power plant building in my country. And I'm freaking out a bit. We just survived a plain crash, still head to toe bandaged like a god damn mummy, not even sure if we still have all the limbs attached but still insisting on taking a motorcycle ride straight to hell.

World, are you nuts?

Many of you already do know, but I'm really into making stuff recently. I've made that frame thing, a number of bookmarks, bracelets, weird accessories and currently working on a box for jewelery - will post the results and a longer story here right after I finish that one. Hope everyone's enjoying their day!

In the meantime, here's the latest bookmark design perfectly matching with my dress (front and back, didn't fold it because thinking of doing a digital copy first). But again, if you follow my twitter/instagram, it's not a surprise. Cheers!

glad we are here

I doubt that good poetry can be born out of big feelings. Big feelings are surprisingly shallow when it comes to anything not directly involved with the subject of desire (and there is always an subject of desire). Aren't you just happy when you are "really" happy? And isn't that just boring?
There's that difference as between 3:07am full of mysteries and sleepless 8 o'clock in the morning before another working day; or in drinking until you feel more than just yourself and drinking until you lose who you are at all.
Any food is so much better when it is serving its primary purpose - satisfying hunger, but in order to feel that pleasure you need to first of all come to that state of hunger, which is not that easy considering the amount of stress put on us by the abundance of unnecessary snack-shaped hunger prevention methods (simulations, haunting our right for pleasure we take in not dying (=eating), vulgarizing the very essence of it). Come on. Happiness is the same, it's a big race you feel like you need to win, but small superficial simulations just spoil the real pleasure that is hidden in the very impossibility of the victory.

Don't worry, be happy - kind-of-crap, another useless thing to write on a T-shirt to sell another fairly-well-off-nicely-aged-suicidal-urban-dweller before he hangs himself up in the toilet of a parking lot. Nah, mon cher ami, worry and rejoice, you are living in this world - not in a cereal commercial.

But anyway, I'd rather be happy and do bad poetry, but what I am doing right now is being strangely unhappy and doing no poetry at all. I guess this is how most of us choose to live, such a waste of oxygen.

Niagara triangle

 

Well, this is me.

Paris, tigers and tails

 

Although only the lazy doesn't bloom these days, birds are screaming every morning like it's the last one,

it still feels like a long, long winter. So many things happened and so many things are not going to happen, it's a bit overwhelming, but that's alright.

As some of you my friends may know, I've been to France recently. You see how far can I go to run away from obligations? Apparently, until about Paris. Not bad, huh?

Saw some incredibly great places and took a lot of cute pictures there.

 There is not much I can say about Paris, apart from "shiiiit maaan whaat" and "holy crap", but that's neither appropriate nor informative, so I'll just pass. I'm usually not the one freaking out about architecture (plants and underground are more of my thing), but I guess some places just don't consult with anything before dominating your mind as you encounter them.

Ah, the good times. I love trees so much, and now they are killing me. How is that even fair? 

No one said life would be though.

Gentle people! Let's go out with flowers in our hair for a reasonably-priced drink, anyone up to such a deal? No? You can come without any flowers then, whatever. (where's your spirit?)

Here, a song.

And a picture from me. 

I posted the second background layer a while back - it's a collage I made with the help of inherited from my brilliant grandfather postcards from 80s, zodiac-themed jewel of soviet union design (never disappointing if your goal is to be creepy)

Turned quite infernal when in b/w!

 

I can do more of these though, if you think it looks good? Not sure, because I'm just kind of blinded with all these feelings towards all these horses and tigers. Damn, I'm really into this stuff.

Presenting you this babe and vanishing.

Lots of love to you all!
Stay healthy and kind.

just some words

Alright, it's been quite a while mainly because I was waiting for some good news to come around. Now I'm writing not because they did, just because I stopped waiting, whatever. Mint tea on Saturday night is good enough at this point.

Now what I intended to say from about a month ago. Briefly, not getting into the matter itself.
It's about Ukraine, but mostly it's about people. Affected, concerned; not affected, yet concerned; not concerned at all - so many different reactions and opinions going around online and offline, in all media possible, between millions of us living in different places.

I have never been in the middle of such conflict. Not like I am in the middle right now, but it's more straightforward than ever. In my lifetime, there was no such point. War has been going on and still does, but somehow always on such distance some superficial feeling of peace still prevailing  over my very own tiny piece of this world has always accompanied me.
I know that feeling was not legitimate at any point in this world, but we all need that in order to keep on with our own small tragedies and victories still to have some meaning, just to live, or to try to live.

And now, for the first time in my life, still from a great distance, being in another country, having clearly very remote relation to this all, completely safe and in completely insignificant position, I got to feel the smell of war. And guess what - I don't think I could actually make it mentally if this shit got real. If I was really in the center of it. Too much is too much, and too much for me is so little in fact.

But even someone not so relevant as myself, even around here in my family, in my friends and acquaintances, there's a big change that could be brought by nothing but that war state of mind.

Here, people don't do war. Here, people just talk about it. However, I noticed it to be not just your regular chat about politics, not any other argument you would have on a serious matter. In fact, in so many cases the conversations and their consequences do not resemble arguments at all. It's a battlefield. In some cases, it does get physical; then in some cases, it turns out lethal for a weaker side. There have been already several reports on people being beaten to death in the heat of argument about the events. There, where it happened, there was no war outside the window. It's in the minds of the people, and this is truly a horrifying picture.

In my surrounding, there are no such extreme cases. But there are people who exclude each other from circles of friends because of that. There are people who exclude others from the family member list for having opposite views on the situation. It did happen to me, it did happen to my mother, to my family, who split into two parts, each side not willing to face the other side ever again.

I learned to think twice before asking my friends about their opinion. I am not scared of their brutal reaction or anything like that - I am scared of my own war mentality at this moment, I am scared of my whole essence rejecting them if they happen to be on the opposite side, and my conscience will be able to do nothing with it. Because that's how it works now - you're either with us, or against us. And it shouldn't be like this.

When you talk about war, you are talking sides. You cannot avoid talking sides. And when your opponent appears to be with those your friends calling their enemies, those with whom people close to you are ready to fight at any cost, how do you stay impartial? How do you not imagine your argument to be the battlefield, and your opponent your very own enemy? A threat that you should eliminate before it eliminates you.

Because we feel in danger even when we just talk. Because we are living in fear our whole lives. And so easily, your brother turns into your target, and you shoot what you can shoot.

Our casual relationships are not meant for such harsh test. And fear just changes everything. Let us not make it even worse than it is. Do not get into war even just verbally. Don't drag any other person into it. That's one piece of advice I've learned the hard way.

I don't know and I do not even want to know on which side my friends are.
In peace, there is no need to take sides. And I don't know what to wish anymore. Apart from not a single person to get hurt anymore - something that proves itself impossible this very second in some place I've never heard of. Or in the city where I grew up. Or in the city I will never know about. Such a folly, but there is nothing I wish more than this folly right now.

Please stay safe,
stay strong and let us not lose faith in peace.
Let me know if there is anything I could ever help out with.
Let's take good care about each other. Because we really can do it, and we really need each other.
n

wow, a thing and that... another thing

 Wow these days some weird shit it going on with me, sorry for my bitching, I don't mean any of it, really. x
 Listening to The Beach Boys and watching Daria whole weekend long, it's some kind of wild party going on here. 
And woah, yeah, I did almost finish this picture, and made a video of my face to celebrate it. I just fell it could be fun, but it turned out just awkward. People who do that for money, damn, you really deserve each single peso you get.
Here's the vid.

Aaand the video is gone due to overload of dislikes hahhaa love you guys <3

ANYWAY
I may or may not do some more, depends on how I estimate my makeup on particular days and of course if you are going to hate me more than usual or not. <3
(If you are not sure I obviously prefer you not to, ok. It can be hard to guess but it's true.)

Anyway here are the pics, made em on my phone - no scanner hobo, but I've got life, ha.

 

Now meow meow,
sorry for all the shit I am not doing AGAIN I am SORREH.
Seriously though, maybe I need some help, maybe I don't...

Hope you all are safe and good. xxxxxxxxx

Belgrade, walls and campfire

 

This is a tiny little scenery picture I drew in the train back from Belgrade. It's kind of similar to the previous one, but I think these two (also that one) are kind of sketches before the big one already starting to appear in my head. Not quite sure but maybe I will come up with some more of this kind. It is also so small, just like one regular postcard. Does anyone want apocalyptic postcards? Ha-ha. Ha.

So yes, this weekend was my first time in Belgrade. I decided to go there really spontaneously maybe on Tuesday last week, on Thursday already got the ticket and departure was on Friday morning. I am not that kind of a person who can randomly decide to take 10 hour long train with no clear purpose to the city they don't know anything about, but I did and it felt quite nice. 

Something is going on, but I'm not sure what exactly. 

Really really loved the city, although didn't have a chance to see it properly, but what I have seen in that short time gave me a very pleasant feeling. Oddly enough, so many things reminded me of home. In a good way. 

The weather was constantly bitching out, wind&rain&snow were infernal; but atmosphere was very much special, different from anywhere I've ever been to. It was full of surprises and needs more attention and careful observation that I would love to give when I'm be back there someday.

 

Just some more photos. 

And just two more.

And before I go, just leaving here two songs that please me very much these days. Hope you are having safe and happy January. x

Hi.

Did I draw anything? No.
Do I have something interesting to say? No.

Taaahlaaah, why does it always rain on me----? I always thought it's quite of a stupid name for a song, funnily that's precisely how we think, isn't it?

 Wow, never mind, I'll try once again tomorrow.
A cute song. (happily instrumental, almost)

 Alright, it's hard, it's hard hard hard not to whine, I'm doing my best. Kind of best.
Wow, this is a very useless entry.
Wow, I said "wow" three times not counting the one "wow" I just mentioned. Five. Excitement.
Okay, Monday, come at me.
Shouldn't forget to return books to the library!

It's getting pretty rough, Ukraine. But it's too late to wish you being safe. Be strong.
Much thoughts to those battling in Kiyv right now. x