you can skip this one

Well hello there, it's god damn 2015 and I am feeling just great.

No, haven't yet bought my own potato field, but still working on that.
Walking that potato path with baby steps. Potato baby steps.
 
Need to tell you, brothers and sisters - just some 15 minutes ago I was multitasking as we all do, namely washing dishes and reflecting on my presence in this world, well, the usual. I don't know how exactly does that work, but this flowing warm water is really stimulating some of the best existential moments is it not? So I literally get to make major life decisions AND get some dirty dishes done all for one price. Just some handcream afterwards and you're good to go, well reflected on your past wrong and rightdoings, plus smelling like silky peonies! Isn't it just the best deal ever?
(Jeeezie, I missed being relatable!)

Definitely need to wash them on a more regular basis.
But alas, such an irregular girl as I am, just as I was abandoning the lovely bunch of existential dishes, I have also been abandoning this lovely piece of internet.
I really loved this blog, and I still do, the only one of many - probably should be a dozen by this year. I create a new one once I feel the person who started the previous one is gone, and it happened multiple times, over and over again. I can't connect with the language, with the thoughts, emotions, concerns, interests, basically really feeling like a stranger.

But the me that built this blog is the only one I feel I want to reconnect with.

And I feel so god damn good about this. 
Once in many years I feel like a properly consistent personality. There's been no proof of me not being abducted by aliens about 2 times in a year and replaced with a new version who hasn't got any clue what's going on this little planet. That is approximately how detached I am usually feeling. Like, 13 years old emo kid in a suburban Junior High kind of detached. Yup, when I was a young boy. (We all were that man in a robe with a circle black eyeshadow.)

But now it all seems to be gradually coming together, and I finally feel like I am forming something whole. And I smell of peonies, and haven't been abducted by aliens since at least 2013.

Well I know it's some pretty useless information for any of you my dearest friends to read through, so I won't be announcing the glorious comeback, but I still really really wanted to leave a note primarily for myself on how great being a person can be. Being the same lame and confused, but way above that evolving and consistent human.

I didn't expect this evening to end in such a lovely way.
Looking forward to keep sending such letters to my future self, because I am finally starting to feel confidence in her being around for me for a while. 

Love all of you my friends dearly.

catching up on not catching up

Mysterious ways lead us to each other. However, that what tears our apart is always far more human, almost always not a coincidence and never a miracle.

One day you go out on the street, sit on your usual bench, look at your usual streetlamp, eat your usual sandwich and being not at all aware you are nearly destroyed and there's nothing to stop this beautiful sequence of events that will lead to your total devastation.
"Well that's life!", says my existentially-enthusiatic part, that likes to pretend I can feel no more than a wooden chair, and therefore anything happening to me should lead to great amount of fascination because well, some deadmen that I proclaimed to admire declared so.
But there is also just me, that can't cope at times, somehow always lost, making stupid mistakes, just a weak and human me that thinks "Maybe I shouldn't have been there that day.
Maybe this all just... shouldn't have happened."

Okay, of course not, I'm just whining, as usual. Can't live up to my own expectations, can't lower them, can't do better, quite annoying and not productive at all.

God, what this entry is about even? Sorry for what is happening to this page currently, really trying to sort it out. Almost got everything together, but Friday nights do evil magic on my "optimism" function. It is just simply not there... hehe
In the meanwhile (trying not to sound too gloomy) I've made another diary-type of thing, where I write in Japanese (so if you can read, you're welcome. I also post cute pictures that are too cute for this blog there, they don't require much linguistic efforts), here is the link -> http://neboke-nikki.blogspot.com/

There is a story how I touched a sparrow.
And how do I feel about Snufkin.
Deep stuff, as usual (you know me).

Anyway, I'll be back shortly after I fix my life, find a job, buy a dog, build a house and finally get own my potato field. Hope you are all well!!

Rest in peace all the victims of Odessa today. No matter on which side were you, this simply shouldn't have happened. You shouldn't have been killed.
To all the cities around the country going through this nightmare, please stay strong and please, stay human.

And I just found out about that new nuclear power plant building in my country. And I'm freaking out a bit. We just survived a plain crash, still head to toe bandaged like a god damn mummy, not even sure if we still have all the limbs attached but still insisting on taking a motorcycle ride straight to hell.

World, are you nuts?

Many of you already do know, but I'm really into making stuff recently. I've made that frame thing, a number of bookmarks, bracelets, weird accessories and currently working on a box for jewelery - will post the results and a longer story here right after I finish that one. Hope everyone's enjoying their day!

In the meantime, here's the latest bookmark design perfectly matching with my dress (front and back, didn't fold it because thinking of doing a digital copy first). But again, if you follow my twitter/instagram, it's not a surprise. Cheers!

glad we are here

I doubt that good poetry can be born out of big feelings. Big feelings are surprisingly shallow when it comes to anything not directly involved with the subject of desire (and there is always an subject of desire). Aren't you just happy when you are "really" happy? And isn't that just boring?
There's that difference as between 3:07am full of mysteries and sleepless 8 o'clock in the morning before another working day; or in drinking until you feel more than just yourself and drinking until you lose who you are at all.
Any food is so much better when it is serving its primary purpose - satisfying hunger, but in order to feel that pleasure you need to first of all come to that state of hunger, which is not that easy considering the amount of stress put on us by the abundance of unnecessary snack-shaped hunger prevention methods (simulations, haunting our right for pleasure we take in not dying (=eating), vulgarizing the very essence of it). Come on. Happiness is the same, it's a big race you feel like you need to win, but small superficial simulations just spoil the real pleasure that is hidden in the very impossibility of the victory.

Don't worry, be happy - kind-of-crap, another useless thing to write on a T-shirt to sell another fairly-well-off-nicely-aged-suicidal-urban-dweller before he hangs himself up in the toilet of a parking lot. Nah, mon cher ami, worry and rejoice, you are living in this world - not in a cereal commercial.

But anyway, I'd rather be happy and do bad poetry, but what I am doing right now is being strangely unhappy and doing no poetry at all. I guess this is how most of us choose to live, such a waste of oxygen.

Niagara triangle

 

Well, this is me.

Paris, tigers and tails

 

Although only the lazy doesn't bloom these days, birds are screaming every morning like it's the last one,

it still feels like a long, long winter. So many things happened and so many things are not going to happen, it's a bit overwhelming, but that's alright.

As some of you my friends may know, I've been to France recently. You see how far can I go to run away from obligations? Apparently, until about Paris. Not bad, huh?

Saw some incredibly great places and took a lot of cute pictures there.

 There is not much I can say about Paris, apart from "shiiiit maaan whaat" and "holy crap", but that's neither appropriate nor informative, so I'll just pass. I'm usually not the one freaking out about architecture (plants and underground are more of my thing), but I guess some places just don't consult with anything before dominating your mind as you encounter them.

Ah, the good times. I love trees so much, and now they are killing me. How is that even fair? 

No one said life would be though.

Gentle people! Let's go out with flowers in our hair for a reasonably-priced drink, anyone up to such a deal? No? You can come without any flowers then, whatever. (where's your spirit?)

Here, a song.

And a picture from me. 

I posted the second background layer a while back - it's a collage I made with the help of inherited from my brilliant grandfather postcards from 80s, zodiac-themed jewel of soviet union design (never disappointing if your goal is to be creepy)

Turned quite infernal when in b/w!

 

I can do more of these though, if you think it looks good? Not sure, because I'm just kind of blinded with all these feelings towards all these horses and tigers. Damn, I'm really into this stuff.

Presenting you this babe and vanishing.

Lots of love to you all!
Stay healthy and kind.